The following is a likely transcript from of the House Committee On Equal Rights in the not-so-distant future. The issues under discussion are two political hot potatoes: One would give men the right to vote. The other is even more radical, a measure allowing men to sit anywhere they want on public transportation and not restrict them to the back of the bus. The committee chairwomyn is Rep. Shulamith Fonda Franklin (Republicrat - Womynnesota).
Chairwomyn: The chair recognizes our esteemed sister, Congresswomyn Gloria Peterbilt, who has a martyr’s burden of representing that wishy washy, fence straddling, knee jerking hopelessly liberal state of Calipurnia. I suppose you’re going to play devil’s advocate?
Rep. Peterbilt: Well, the voting rights thingy is a non-issue in my house. The male unit will vote the way I tell him to vote, and anyway, the only things he is trained to read are recipes and fashion tips. Anything else, especially something as complicated as a ballot measure, is just beyond the little dear. But isn’t it about time we allowed male units unrestricted seating on public transportation?
Chairwomyn: What for? So they can plunk their brutish bodies down anywhere they want on the bus? Don’t be absurd. Just because you don’t care who violates your personal sacred space, think of how your mother would feel, or your daughter, for Goddess’s sake, if some hairy lout reeking of Aqua Velva presumed to be so…so….uppity…as to actually sit next to her innocent flowering She-ness. The mind reels.
Rep. Peterbilt: Yes, I can see where that might be troublesome for some unenlightened souls, but a properly trained male unit would never presume to sit just anywhere on a bus if the back wasn’t already overflowing with nattering giggling males.
Chairwomyn (sighing): I know, I know. They get really annoying in a group. That’s why I stopped my male unit from having Schtupperwear parties at our house. All those chubby male bodies stuffed into Speedos like cheese blintzes and parading around like snooty models on a high fashion runway. Worse, they whine about their personal circumstances. How we don’t understand them. How don’t care about their needs. How we expect them to have sex at what they consider inopportune times, like at a funeral or on a windswept beach in the rain. Hell, a little wet sand up their buns may have a cleansing effect, so what’s the problem?
Rep Peterbilt: Excuse me, Madam Chairwomyn, but we were discussing voting rights and public transportation. There are political and social reasons why we should allow male units voting rights and equal seating under the law.
Chairwomyn: Oh for Minerva’s sake, what are they?
Rep. Peterbilt: As for the voter franchise, the political reason is voter apathy with absentee ballots mailed prior to primary elections. Many indifferent womyn just turn the ballot over to the male unit like a Sudoko card and allow him to mark it up with a Crayola. I mean, they are already voting anyway. Why not register them in the hope that they may create a landslide mandate when directed by their womyn? Two votes for the price of one. And maybe they’ll feel responsible enough to stop marking ballots with crayons.
Chairwomyn: I know. Makes our ballot box stuffing machines all waxy. Still, we’re working on some attack ads showing the effects of male units being allowed even a sub rosa voice in the outcome of national elections. Unrestricted seating on buses is just for openers. Soon they’ll protest being required to sit in theater balconies. Who knows? They may even insist on having their brainless entertainment legally broadcast on national television. Imagine having a nice weekend ruined with games of baseballs or footballs blaring out of your TV. Anyway, what’s the social reason for giving male units the vote?
Rep. Peterbilt: A declining birthrate among the desirable demographics.
Chairwomyn: You mean eligible voters not on public assistance. Go on.
Rep. Peterbilt: My staff is seeing an alarming trend. An increasing number of my constituents write that their male units get sulky during womyns' estrous cycle and refuse to sleep with them. Instead of getting in bed, their male units curl up in tight little balls on couches, like armadillos, and cry all night about not being treated as equals. That includes open seating on buses and being able to vote.
Chairwomyn: Well, have your constituents tried distracting their male units away from substantive issues with chocolates and new shoes?
Rep. Peterbilt: Many reported doing both. Didn’t work. The chocolates made the males think it made their bottoms look big. That made them whinier than ever. As for new shoes, have you tried shopping for shoes with your male unit? They can never make up their minds. They try on everything in the store on before settling on a pair of pumps they could’ve picked up at a factory outlet for half the price.
Chairwomyn: Okay, so how will giving male units equal seating on the bus, not to mention the vote, arrest the decline of the retail shoe economy and benefit womynkind?
Rep. Peterbilt: It would be the first step, so to speak, in giving them full citizenship under the law.
Chairwomyn: What the hell for? Look, if we give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. Everyone knows that all male units are good for is spending money and being decorative. Other than that, the little dears are just plain useless. They can’t even take out the trash or kill a spider in the bathtub. One other thing, if you care to hear about a really alarming consequence of giving male units the vote.
Rep. Peterbilt: And what would that be?
Chairwomyn: Male units in Congress, that’s what! How does that grab you?
Rep. Peterbilt: Oh nonsense. That would never happen. Never.
Chairwomyn: Oh? You think not? And why, by all that’s holy in the name of Isis, not?
Rep. Peterbilt: Well, even equality has it limits.
Chairwomyn: Don’t count on it. They may even try to put a male unit in the White House. Imagine that!
Rep. Peterbilt: Oh please, Madame Chairwomyn, I mean really! Surely, even in the great state of Womynnesota, you’ve heard the word “ninny”?
Chairwomyn: I have. Usually applied to misguided Calipurnians. I say we table this issue and let it die in the Rules Committee, along with that lunatic balanced budget and arms reduction bill. Let’s move on. What’s the next agenda item?
___________________________
Comments & Indictments:
Who are these wonderfully horrible people you made up? -- Beaty
Oh, they're composites of people I've known. I just changed their gender to female.
Not so loud, you!
I enjoyed the humor in this essay. -- Ken
Loved this : ) -- Juli
Do you get paid for this? Very funny. -- Gambatay
No, dammit.
Coupla things I really loved: Womynnesota and Schtupperware -- Shag
Yet again, Mike, I'm in awe. Curse you and your writing talent, too -- Sum
Sigh. See below:
Stop sending me this please -- Echo
Okay. I’ll miss you. Now I think I’ll go lie down in traffic and mull over the whys and wherefores of personal rejection.
Thank you, Mike. You’re a funny man. -- Fay
You spun out on this one -- Nick
Is that good?
Metaphysically speaking, some exist only to serve as a warning to others. You may soon join our horridly funny little world -- Nick
Now you’re scaring me.
