July and August are slow months in the limousine business, so I’ve been casting about for a part-time gig to help pay the bills. Of course I check the classifieds and Craigslist, both of which have an abundance of low paying, humiliating and sometimes fraudulent job listings. But out of the mud blooms the lotus, and you can find some really swell job opportunities if you know how to look for them.
The trick is to decipher the codes of the various ads. For example, an ad seeking a "Jewish Egg Donor" does not require much effort to translate. It’s quite simple, really. The advertiser wants a Jewish person who’s giving away eggs, possibly for distribution to food banks and consumption by the homeless, I guess. Very straightforward. Noble, even. But not a good career move for me. I'm not Jewish.
I watch the "marketing/pr/ad" section for possibilities. Knowledge of the code is crucial here. For example, the ad for an "On-site Event Coordinator" may seem like the advertiser is looking for a person who can organize a fireworks display or a public hanging, but what the advertiser really wants is a kindly granny who can pass out samples of smelly cheese and weird crackers from a cloth covered card table in a Safeway. Not much of a career move there, either.
But this Craigslist ad really snagged me: "Help Further The Progressive Agenda." I just had to check it out, because politically I am a godless commie pinko kneejerk liberal who wants to tax everyone to the hilt so the government can build day care centers for the offspring of unwed crack whores next to expensive gated communities. Or in them.
I called the number listed in the ad, and spoke with a young person I’ll call Jason. I asked Jason if furthering the progressive agenda meant attending editorial board meetings and arranging for media-hip liberal spokespersons to appear on talk shows, both of which I have done in a past life, and writing op-ed pieces in fighting the good fight. I’ve done that too.
"You have the right attitude," Jason said, "but this is more of a grassroots campaign. You’ve heard of Proposition 8, the ban on same sex marriage that passed in the last election?"
Sure.
"We’re trying to get it reversed with petitions. You would be working directly with the public."
An alarm bell went off in my head. I’d be standing outside a Safeway with a stack of petitions on an ironing board, ambushing harried shoppers who just wanted to get in the store, then home before their ice cream melted in the furnace heat of a Sacramento summer. At least the cheese and cracker lady got to stand inside, where there was air conditioning. I told Jason as much.
"Well, we also canvass homes," he said.
Ohhhhhhhhh no! Door to door canvassing is often done during evenings and weekends. That's when homeowners are most vulnerable to doorbell attacks with offers of roofing, siding and solar hot water systems guaranteed not to leak until the minute the warranty expires. I did that in a past life. The occupants were less than cordial.
And now Jason proposed that I interrupt peoples’ dinners, game shows and weekends to bug them about granting homosexuals the right to be legally married, with all the rights, privileges and misery attached thereto? I mean, the signators would not even get a free high pressure sales job for a leaky solar hot water system in return. I doubt the occupant, standing in the doorway with a chicken drumstick in one hand and a can of Budweiser in the other, would get all warm and fuzzy at the prospect of being one of a thousand points of light for gay rights. That did not seem like much of a career move.
Jason tried to be accomodating: "We also canvass businesses."
Worse yet. Most businesses discourage soliciting and post signs to that effect: "Do Not Solicit Here Or We Will Punch You In The Nose." I can only imagine the reaction if I ignored such a warning and strolled into a shop named Guns ’N Things and tried to get the retired cop behind the counter to sign a petition overturning the ban on gay marriage. The basement scene from Pulp Fiction comes to mind. Definitely not a good career move at all.
I thanked Jason for his time.
Maybe I should reconsider handing out samples of smelly cheese and weird crackers in a Safeway. While it may not be much of a career move, I could at least have snacks
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Comments & Indictments:
Love this -- Margie
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I'm so glad July and August are slow for you. Well, not for you so much as those of us who are avid readers of The Tomatoman Times. What a wealth of well put together words. Thanks for all three Wednesday morning wake-up calls. -- Linda
