Okay, okay already! So I don’t look like Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt looks like Brad Pitt, but he still could not hang on to Jennifer Aniston. I like to think I have more staying power than Brad Pitt. Hell, I even wrote to Jennifer Aniston and said so. I mean, you don’t get to be my age without being equipped for the long haul.
What’s more, I offered her what a lot of women claim they want, like walks on the beach in the rain, cuddling by a fire, candlelit dinners, and wrote that I even like cats. That last wasn’t really a fib. I really do like cats. They taste a little like chicken, but I didn’t mention that to Jennifer Aniston. She might be one of those women who get all squeamish about cats as a dinner entrée. Guess she hasn’t had tandoori chicken at her local Bangalore Buffet. You should try it sometime. The leftovers found in the better class of dumpsters are quite piquant, even if the leftovers once had fur and not feathers.
Anyway, Miss Aniston didn’t write back, for some reason. Could be because I talk too much and was overheard by a jealous rival. I mean, maybe someone blabbed that I had been banned from all public beaches that I thought were clothing optional, or that my fireplace was actually a curbside barrel, or that candles were my sole source of heat and illumination since my electricity was shut off because of an obvious misunderstanding with the power company. Some sort of mishmash about a supposedly unpaid bill. Whoever said “you can’t fight city hall” never had to deal with some electric company pinky who writes snotty letters threatening customers with eternal darkness and cold tandoori chicken.
That reminds me of another condition a lot of women impose on a potential mate: financial security. That seems to be an unfair burden, especially considering the amount of loot Jennifer Aniston makes for a so-so sitcom, a few ad layouts, and whatever the trash tabloids pay her to be photographed outrunning the other paparazzi. I saw in a castoff edition of Forbes that she’s worth 18.5 mil. And she would expect me to pick up a dinner tab? Fat chance.
Still, I did plead for a little understanding on her part, but she seems to be playing hard to get. Pleading is overrated anyway. Over the years I’ve learned that some (but not all) women think begging is an undesirable trait in a man, especially as a prelude to foreplay, and I guess Jennifer Aniston is one of those women.
Well, so much for her! Anyway, this ad is a open ended response to the numerous ads posted by women seeking a male companion for walks on the beach in the rain, etc., etc, and I have a few questions of my own. Here goes:
1. Do you weigh less than a Toyota?
2. Do you have any cats?
3. Do you have a credit card or cards? If so, specify limits.
4. Do you have access to firearms? If so, where do you keep them?
5. If no, are you currently on probation or parole?
6. If yes, were you convicted of a crime involving firearms?
7. Are there any liquor stores or 7-11s in your immediate area?
8. Do you own a car? If yes, provide the Kelley Blue Book value.
9. Do you believe in love at first sight?
10. If yes, do you believe in sex on the first date?
11. If no, are you willing to listen to reason?
12. Are you taking any prescription medication?
13. Would you describe yourself as a sharing person?
14. If the above answer is no, see question 11.
Any additional comments you may have are welcome. Please respond with a current photo.
Thank you.
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Comments & Indictments:
Mike, this one is a PERFECT comment on our times, and our foolishness when it comes to trying to find a mate! Thanks for sending it my way! -- Amanda
Tease.
You know, if I weren't already married to a much younger man … Shag
I don't know where you found that pic, Mike, but I'm saving it to share with Anthony in case he ever starts thinking about getting a tattoo. And now I must go scrub my eyeballs with bleach, thank you very much. -- Sum
That's a shirt, right? RIGHT? They're not really tattoos? Surely nobody could be that stupid. Don't you ever just want to ask ..."WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WERE YOU THINKING??!!!!" -- Tab A
I met a New Zealand sailor in Singapore named Pricky Price who had…well, who showed a picture of 13 tattoos on his … oh never mind. You get the idea. I have an idea that Pricky’s thinking was probably influenced by a flowing abundance of Malay Tiger beer.
Just tell me this man would not be our neighbor! Please! -- Beaty
Haaaa wonderful one!:) -- Juli
