Bailiff: Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! The Superior Court in and for the County Of Laputa is now in session, the honorable Judge Gilbert N. Sullivan presiding! All those with business before this court draw near and be heard!
Judge: Do you have to be so goddamn loud? I may be old but I’m not deaf. One other thing. I’ve been on this stupid bench for 35 years and no one ever told me what the hell “oyez” means. Is it “oh yes”?
Bailiff: No, your honor. Oyez is Norman French, a plural nominative from the verb oir, which comes from the Latin verb audire, both of which mean ‘to hear’ and…
Judge: Quiet, you! No one likes a know-it-all. Okay, so who’s the first among this miserable pack of scruffy felons, lying philanderers and freebooting scofflaws to protest their soiled innocence so help them God?
Bailiff: The first case is The People vs. Birdsong, your honor. The charge is arson.
Judge: Arson! Not again! Goddamnit! I’ve told the district attorney time and again I will not hear any more arson cases! Don’t even swear this Birdsong person in! Birdsong! Where the hell are you? Speak up!
Birdsong: Here, your honor.
Judge: Oh. There you are. Why are you wearing that hideous orange costume?
Birdsong: I’m in jail, your honor. It's what they gave me to wear.
Judge: Well, it doesn’t do a thing for you. Orange is an Autumn. You’re not an Autumn. You look like a Spring to me. Yes. Light greens, maybe. Greens would highlight your eyes.
Birdsong: That’s what I thought.
Judge: You thought? I didn’t ask what you thought! If I wanted to know what you thought, I would’ve asked what you thought, and apparently you don’t think much! If you had thought, you never would’ve gotten that girl pregnant!
Birdsong and bailiff in unison: Huh?
Judge: Well the charge is arson, right?
Silence.
Judge: Oh now don’t tell me that young Birdsong here is accused of committing arson with an animal!
Bailiff: No, your honor, but…
Judge: But what? Some farm machinery? A kitchen appliance? My god, you young people these days! I tell you the country has gone to hell ever since the Warren Court and The Liberal Media got a such a throttlehold on the body politic and allowed arsoners to arson anything in sight! Including the body politic!
Public defender: Uhhh, your honor?
Judge: Another country heard from! Who the hell are you?
Public defender: I’m Mr. Birdsong’s court appointed attorney, your honor.
Judge: Oh really? And just who on God’s green earth appointed you, you ambulance chasing, bloodsucking Perry Mason, Melvin Belli, Johnny Cochrane wannabe to represent this vile debauching arsoner of innocent maidens and farm machinery?
Public defender: You did, your honor.
Judge: Hmm. Well, what does the highly esteemed counsel and defender of widows, orphans and the arbitrarily accused have to say to this court?
Public Defender: My client pleads not guilty, your honor.
Judge: Nonsense! He was arrested, wasn’t he? He’s in jail, isn’t he? Therefore he’s guilty as hell! Hipso fatso!
Public defender: The phrase is ipso facto, your honor, it means ‘by the fact itself’ and …
Judge: By god, counselor! Are you related this smartaleck know-it-all of a bailiff?
Public defender: No, your honor. I just wanted to say that my client could not possibly have committed the crime of which he has been accused. At the time of the alleged arson incident, he was in a full body cast and traction in a Tijuana hospital after doctors appeared to pull chicken parts out of his body.
Judge: What kind of surgery is that? Did your disgusting degenerate of a client have arson with a chicken and get stuck?
Public Defender: No, your honor. There were even witnesseses. A TV crew from 60 Minutes was present, doing a story about miracle cure medical scams. My client had initially sought treatment for an acute case of pityriasis simplex capillitii.
Judge: What the hell do you have against the English language? First you hispo fatso this court and now you're pissing simple capitalists. Just what is that apparently dire medical condition anyway?
Public Defender: Dandruff, your honor.
Judge: And 60 Minutes was interested in that? Oh, never mind. There goes my ruling on hearsay evidence. Well, I suppose your client is going to plead not guilty.
Public defender: Yes, your honor.
Judge: Fine. And as for you, Birdsong, do you agree with this ambulance chasing shyster, I mean, your learned counsel, and affirm your plea of not guilty? The sooner you do, the sooner you can get out of that unbelievably ugly orange outfit. So, what’s it gonna be?
Public defender: Not g...
Judge: I didn’t ask you! Jesus H. Christ on a crutch! Don’t you people ever listen? Case dismissed! Now get out!
Birdsong: What does oyez mean?
Public defender: Never mind.
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Comments and Indictments:
Thanks once again Mister Mike! -- Stan
Thanks once again for bothering to read it! -- MB
Mike, I did public defender work as a volunteer for the first 4 or 5 years of my practice. It was a great experience! My cousin, Pete Gullett, served as City Prosecutor here in Hazard, KY for a few years before I got out of law school. In those days, Don Fouts, a wonderful old fellow and local restaurant owner, was the Judge. Don could be very cantankerous at times and he produced many stories that are similar to yours. The bevy of "town drunks" produced many of the funniest stories. Don's wife, Zita, is a saint in heaven, no doubt, for putting up with him all those years, and for making wonderful pecan pie! PS: The "orange costume" line made me laugh out loud. -- Doc
Good god…[In France] Strauss-Kahn isn't half way out of the shit with judges of that species! No big deal as far as I'm concerned. You may keep him in an orange outfit for the next 70 years. -- Gerard
Mssr. Gerard is referring to Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn, a French economist, lawyer, and politician. His political career recently ended after he was charged with multiple counts of attempted rape. Not a nice man. MB
Considering the hours I spent in court, this is funny, funny, funny! -- LGV
LGV is a former deputy sheriff -- MB
Good chuckle. Thanks! -- Brat
I've heard court sessions come pretty close to this. God Bless Michigan! -- Shag
I've often wondered what a guy who wears the comfortable robe up there at the big desk would say if he was just given free rein to let all thoughts roll off his tongue, eh? I like it. I really do. I think if it was me, I'd wear a pastel robe in the spring. I think it might make me less cranky. -- Zoey
Made me laugh, Mr. Mike. -- Thea.
Thanks, Mike. Just what I needed.. -- Fay
Thanks for sharing, Mike, this made me laugh out loud. -- Sandy
