Dating and mating need not occur on a battlefield, although a good fight can often have some amazing results during peace negotiations. However, a lot of conflict between genders can be avoided if each side understands what the other side wants. It's simple: A woman wants just one man to fulfill all of her needs, while a man wants all women to fulfill just one of his needs.
There. I've stated the problem. Now for the solution. It's compromise.
Look, reconciliation requires compromise. Not just compromise, but creative compromise. For women, maybe adding testosterone supplements to your girl-food salads is the answer. For men, strategically applied Novocaine after taking Viagra could prove beneficial in the short term, so to speak. [Note: men might also become adept at fixing hair-clogged plumbing, changing flat tires in the middle of the night and killing spiders in bathtubs on a moment’s notice without complaining. But be careful. Being known for such skills can permanently exile a man to the non-sexual Alcatraz of being "Just friends," where no self-respecting male horndog wants to be.]
Another thing: compromises never make both parties happy. Worse, a compromise may engender a new set of problems. Testosterone therapy for a woman, for example. While testosterone may increase sexual desire in a woman, it may also cause her to grow a beard, spit whenever and wherever she feels like it, and to scratch her privates in public.
As for Novocaine with Viagra, a man is going to be vaguely uncomfortable packing an erect pecker around that has no more feeling to it than a socket wrench, especially if he follows the advice to seek medical attention if the condition persists beyond four hours. How would you like to explain such a thing to a pert young female receptionist in a room full of patients, many of whom are already staring at your pants with looks of disbelief, envy or outright loathing on their faces?
So, bearded women and pointy-pants men are not visions that inspire falling in a flesh-colored heap of erotic frenzy, now are they?
Didn't think so.
Now then, here’s what you fellas can do. Forget about any chemical enhancement beyond chocolate to woo the fair lady, or 151-proof rum diluted with Pepsi in case chocolate doesn’t work, and whatever you do, don’t grope. You might wind up in traction like my friend Charley did when he put the heavy moves on a date he thought was just playing hard to get.
“I was actually fighting for her honor,” he said. “She wanted to keep it.”
Not only that, she was an off duty cop and martial arts instructor and now Charley faces some sticky legal entanglements as well as steep co-payments on his medical coverage. So, instead of trying to fight your way into paradise, take a more passive role and just listen.
That’s it in a nutshell. Listen to her when she speaks. It also helps to look in her eyes and not at her breasts while listening. Staring at women's breasts only seems to irritate them. I don’t know why. Women support entire industries to improve the appearance of their breasts. It only seems natural to admire the results, but that’s not the case, and such admiration may prove counterproductive to your immediate interests. Instead of staring, try listening.
You see, women complain all the time that men don’t listen to them. And you know what? We don’t. So surprise her and listen. I mean really listen without thinking of some fabulous fib to impress her. Limit your spoken responses to “um hm,” or “really?” or “imagine that,” or “please continue” and she’ll think you’re the most brilliant conversationalist since William F. Buckley instead of the dirty-minded horndog you really are. Oh, and don’t forget the chocolates. Or the 151-rum as the last resort.
As for what women can do to minimize disappointment during dating and mating season, the same suggestion applies, only use beer instead of chocolates as an incentive, and otherwise just listen to what he has to say, assuming your fella speaks in a language beyond grunts and whose interests are not limited to sports scores and NASCAR events.
I guess I don’t have to caution women about not staring at men’s breasts. Most women don’t do that, and those who do just make men nervous. Instead, if you want to accelerate your horizontal agenda, again, just listen to him. Even better, put a rapt expression on your face as though he’s the most fascinating male on the planet this side of Bradley Cooper, Bruce Willis or the late Mohandas Gandhi without Gandhi’s weird little loincloth.
I don’t mean to seem like an expert here. Other than chocolates, high octane rum and a functioning set of ears, I really have no better idea of what women want than Sigmund Freud did when he posed the question, “What do women want?“ Hell, I don’t know, but I’m absolutely delighted when I meet a woman who does not think of me as a complete reclamation project. Maybe just one whose personality just needs a little nip and tuck here and there. Most of my brethren feel the same way. Many of us have not fully recovered from the Andrea Dworkin-Susan Brownmiller epoch of gender relations in the 70s and 80s when strident feminists seemed to think the only good man was a good and dead man, so a lot of us just keep quiet and mentally wear beige during our dating and mating phase.
Okay, so we are beyond that now, in an uneasy armistice that permits dating and mating, and compromises are in order. Men: Treat women the same way you want your kid sister treated when she reaches dating age, God help her. Women: Even if your man’s interests do not extend beyond sports scores or NASCAR trivia, you can always learn to answer in affirming, ego-boosting grunts of agreement.
See how easy that is? And don't forget the chocolates and rum. One final piece of advice I learned the hard way: Twenty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay -- at least not in most dating and mating situations, unless….oh never mind.
Comments, Critiques & Snippy Notes:
I just walked in from work.. read this.. and LOL. A big "THANKS" for sharing. -- Pirate
A bigger thanks for reading. -- MB
_________
Dear Abby: Who knew your personal relationships would lead you to a whole new career? Find a newspaper column and spread the wisdom. -- Beaty
Newspapers editors stifle creativity with their annoying inisistence on separating fact from fiction. This medium is loads more fun. -- MB
_________
For the record, that 'putting men in just friends category' isn't the conscious fault of women. It's all chemical. We don't decide that. -- LadyW
_________
My wife of 37 years seems to think the only good man is a handyman. -- Gerard
__________
If you make the chocolates See's Dark Chocolate Blueberry Truffles, so much the better for you. Good stuff, 'Materman! -- Shannon
____________
Mike -- my husband has found out just what I will do for a Klondike bar -- Mary Pat.
I'll add Klondike bars to my list, along with See's dark chocolate blueberry truffles. -- MB
_________
For cryin' out loud. I only wear really pretty, girlie foo foo bras around my ample breasts, and I purposely make it impossible for a man to ignore my them. I also expect a man to stare at them, but what I want besides that is for him to occasionally look up into my eyes and respond to anything I said in the last fifteen minutes. It's not a lot to ask. -- Zoey
Yes, it is. -- MB
__________
There. I've stated the problem. Now for the solution. It's compromise.
Look, reconciliation requires compromise. Not just compromise, but creative compromise. For women, maybe adding testosterone supplements to your girl-food salads is the answer. For men, strategically applied Novocaine after taking Viagra could prove beneficial in the short term, so to speak. [Note: men might also become adept at fixing hair-clogged plumbing, changing flat tires in the middle of the night and killing spiders in bathtubs on a moment’s notice without complaining. But be careful. Being known for such skills can permanently exile a man to the non-sexual Alcatraz of being "Just friends," where no self-respecting male horndog wants to be.]
Another thing: compromises never make both parties happy. Worse, a compromise may engender a new set of problems. Testosterone therapy for a woman, for example. While testosterone may increase sexual desire in a woman, it may also cause her to grow a beard, spit whenever and wherever she feels like it, and to scratch her privates in public.
As for Novocaine with Viagra, a man is going to be vaguely uncomfortable packing an erect pecker around that has no more feeling to it than a socket wrench, especially if he follows the advice to seek medical attention if the condition persists beyond four hours. How would you like to explain such a thing to a pert young female receptionist in a room full of patients, many of whom are already staring at your pants with looks of disbelief, envy or outright loathing on their faces?
So, bearded women and pointy-pants men are not visions that inspire falling in a flesh-colored heap of erotic frenzy, now are they?
Didn't think so.
Now then, here’s what you fellas can do. Forget about any chemical enhancement beyond chocolate to woo the fair lady, or 151-proof rum diluted with Pepsi in case chocolate doesn’t work, and whatever you do, don’t grope. You might wind up in traction like my friend Charley did when he put the heavy moves on a date he thought was just playing hard to get.
“I was actually fighting for her honor,” he said. “She wanted to keep it.”
Not only that, she was an off duty cop and martial arts instructor and now Charley faces some sticky legal entanglements as well as steep co-payments on his medical coverage. So, instead of trying to fight your way into paradise, take a more passive role and just listen.
That’s it in a nutshell. Listen to her when she speaks. It also helps to look in her eyes and not at her breasts while listening. Staring at women's breasts only seems to irritate them. I don’t know why. Women support entire industries to improve the appearance of their breasts. It only seems natural to admire the results, but that’s not the case, and such admiration may prove counterproductive to your immediate interests. Instead of staring, try listening.
You see, women complain all the time that men don’t listen to them. And you know what? We don’t. So surprise her and listen. I mean really listen without thinking of some fabulous fib to impress her. Limit your spoken responses to “um hm,” or “really?” or “imagine that,” or “please continue” and she’ll think you’re the most brilliant conversationalist since William F. Buckley instead of the dirty-minded horndog you really are. Oh, and don’t forget the chocolates. Or the 151-rum as the last resort.
As for what women can do to minimize disappointment during dating and mating season, the same suggestion applies, only use beer instead of chocolates as an incentive, and otherwise just listen to what he has to say, assuming your fella speaks in a language beyond grunts and whose interests are not limited to sports scores and NASCAR events.
I guess I don’t have to caution women about not staring at men’s breasts. Most women don’t do that, and those who do just make men nervous. Instead, if you want to accelerate your horizontal agenda, again, just listen to him. Even better, put a rapt expression on your face as though he’s the most fascinating male on the planet this side of Bradley Cooper, Bruce Willis or the late Mohandas Gandhi without Gandhi’s weird little loincloth.
I don’t mean to seem like an expert here. Other than chocolates, high octane rum and a functioning set of ears, I really have no better idea of what women want than Sigmund Freud did when he posed the question, “What do women want?“ Hell, I don’t know, but I’m absolutely delighted when I meet a woman who does not think of me as a complete reclamation project. Maybe just one whose personality just needs a little nip and tuck here and there. Most of my brethren feel the same way. Many of us have not fully recovered from the Andrea Dworkin-Susan Brownmiller epoch of gender relations in the 70s and 80s when strident feminists seemed to think the only good man was a good and dead man, so a lot of us just keep quiet and mentally wear beige during our dating and mating phase.
Okay, so we are beyond that now, in an uneasy armistice that permits dating and mating, and compromises are in order. Men: Treat women the same way you want your kid sister treated when she reaches dating age, God help her. Women: Even if your man’s interests do not extend beyond sports scores or NASCAR trivia, you can always learn to answer in affirming, ego-boosting grunts of agreement.
See how easy that is? And don't forget the chocolates and rum. One final piece of advice I learned the hard way: Twenty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay -- at least not in most dating and mating situations, unless….oh never mind.
Comments, Critiques & Snippy Notes:
I just walked in from work.. read this.. and LOL. A big "THANKS" for sharing. -- Pirate
A bigger thanks for reading. -- MB
_________
Dear Abby: Who knew your personal relationships would lead you to a whole new career? Find a newspaper column and spread the wisdom. -- Beaty
Newspapers editors stifle creativity with their annoying inisistence on separating fact from fiction. This medium is loads more fun. -- MB
_________
For the record, that 'putting men in just friends category' isn't the conscious fault of women. It's all chemical. We don't decide that. -- LadyW
_________
My wife of 37 years seems to think the only good man is a handyman. -- Gerard
__________
If you make the chocolates See's Dark Chocolate Blueberry Truffles, so much the better for you. Good stuff, 'Materman! -- Shannon
____________
Mike -- my husband has found out just what I will do for a Klondike bar -- Mary Pat.
I'll add Klondike bars to my list, along with See's dark chocolate blueberry truffles. -- MB
_________
For cryin' out loud. I only wear really pretty, girlie foo foo bras around my ample breasts, and I purposely make it impossible for a man to ignore my them. I also expect a man to stare at them, but what I want besides that is for him to occasionally look up into my eyes and respond to anything I said in the last fifteen minutes. It's not a lot to ask. -- Zoey
Yes, it is. -- MB
__________
