From: S. Nicholas-Claus, CEO, Toys ‘n Ammo, Inc.
To: Ichiban Tanaka, Correspondence Section
I am in receipt of the letter from 10-year-old Jerome X “axin’ for an AK-47” that you forwarded for consideration. While young Jerome’s motives in making such a request are unclear, I think we may assume they are not in the traditional holiday spirit of giving and goodwill toward all. Accordingly, I have marked young Jerome down for a lump of coal in his presumably shoplifted stocking. Please exercise some presence of mind before forwarding such requests. Also, I passed young Jerome’s request for actual weaponry to the Charleton Heston Second Amendment “Cold Dead Hands” Foundation for action as its officers see fit.
SNC
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From: Ichiban Tanaka, Correspondence Section
To: S. Nicholas-Claus, CEO
Aw, jeeze, boss. Nice job of passing the buck. You know damn well those Cold Dead Hands people will probably give the kid an AK-47 with enough of our ammo to shoot up every Korean convenience store in sight. Think of the PR implications. Can’t you compromise and give the kid a crossbow and some rubber-tipped arrows? Maybe a suit of cammies and a Rambo headband? Anyway, I’m sure the kid will only use the lump of coal to break a window. Just a thought.
IT
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From: S. Nicholas-Claus, CEO
To: Ichicban Tanaka, Correspondence Section
Look, Tanaka, as long as you’re thinking, think about this: I’ve got a shitload on my plate today and don’t have time to screw around, especially with a request from some pissed off kid who wants an automatic weapon for Christmas. The fricking elves are taking union again, PETA is busting my chops about reindeer abuse, and Mrs. Claus is taking karate lessons. As for you, you’d better start thinking like an executive if you ever want to get out of the mailroom, otherwise you and your entire shop just might get outsourced to Bangalore and you’ll be standing in line for government cheese. Christmas only comes once a year, man, so get off your ass and get with the program!
SNC
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From: Ichiban Tanaka, Correspondence Section.
To: S. Nicholas-Claus, CEO
I took your advice and got off my ass. FYI I’ve been on the blower with Sony-Halliburton-Mattel’s people in the Caymans and they’re ready for a hostile takeover of your entire operation, lock, stock and sweatshop, and you’ll be out on your fat can. Now who’s going to be in line for government cheese, seeing as your Christmas goose has just been cooked?
IT
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From: Jean-Jacques Mountbatten, CFO, SMH Financial, Cayman Islands, WI
To: S. Nicholas-Claus, CEO, Toys ’N Ammo, Inc.
We regret to inform you that your offer of 12 tons of government cheese has been rejected by our board of directors in consideration for tabling Mr. Tanaka’s proposed acquisition of our North American operations. However, the board is willing to reconsider this position in exchange for a squadron of F-18 fighter jets and an introduction to Jennifer Lopez. As an alternative, perhaps you and Mr. Tanaka can amicably settle your differences in the spirit of the season.
JJM
P.S. We would still like to meet Jennifer Lopez.
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From: S. Nicholas-Claus, CEO
To: Ichiban Tanaka, Correspondence Section.
Look, let’s let bygones be bygones. I have no intention of arming kids with automatic weapons or passing out lumps of coal to pre-teen felons. Now then, let’s all get back to work and put this unpleasantness behind us. Oh, one other thing: I seem to have misplaced my Rolodex. Do you have a contact number for a person named Jennifer Lopez?
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From: Ichiban Tanaka, Correspondence Section.
To: S. Nicholas-Claus, CEO
Who?
IT
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Comments?
My son is a firefighter/emt/paramedic in South East DC (a location where many residents demand their cheese because it's owed them from 400 years ago to the present and on into the future). He stopped by tonight to exchange gifts because he chose to work tomorrow to let guys with families stay home. As he was leaving, he commented that tomorrow was going to be busy because it's certain someone will get new bullets for Christmas, and will want to share them with others. In that case, it certainly is better to give than to receive -- Brat
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I knew you would send me something for Xmas Eve -- Fay
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Wow! Where do you get your inspiration? Nicely done! -- Gambatay
Warped mind -- MB
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My son is a firefighter/emt/paramedic in South East DC (a location where many residents demand their cheese because it's owed them from 400 years ago to the present and on into the future.) He stopped by tonight to exchange gifts because he chose to work tomorrow to let guys with families stay home. As he was leaving, he commented that tomorrow was going to be busy because it's certain someone will get new bullets for Christmas, and will want to share them with others. In that case, it certainly is better to give than to receive. -- Brat
My son is a firefighter/emt/paramedic in South East DC (a location where many residents demand their cheese because it's owed them from 400 years ago to the present and on into the future). He stopped by tonight to exchange gifts because he chose to work tomorrow to let guys with families stay home. As he was leaving, he commented that tomorrow was going to be busy because it's certain someone will get new bullets for Christmas, and will want to share them with others. In that case, it certainly is better to give than to receive -- Brat
__________
I knew you would send me something for Xmas Eve -- Fay
__________
Wow! Where do you get your inspiration? Nicely done! -- Gambatay
Warped mind -- MB
__________
My son is a firefighter/emt/paramedic in South East DC (a location where many residents demand their cheese because it's owed them from 400 years ago to the present and on into the future.) He stopped by tonight to exchange gifts because he chose to work tomorrow to let guys with families stay home. As he was leaving, he commented that tomorrow was going to be busy because it's certain someone will get new bullets for Christmas, and will want to share them with others. In that case, it certainly is better to give than to receive. -- Brat
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I knew you would send me something for Xmas Eve -- Fay
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I enjoyed the humor. I hope that Santa was good to you. -- Ken
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I like this one a lot, shows insight into how the psyche works! -- Ig
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I'm not much into owning guns, but then, admittedly it has a lot to do with anyone owning one and not just police officers and Bubba targit-shootin' at empty Bud cans sittin' on top o' Larry Jimmy Billy's old Buick. I'm just scared of 'em, and I admit it. Not realistic to think we can keep these things out of the wrong hands no matter how much I talk about it, so I guess I'll just curl up with my Tropical Orchid body splash and pretend I didn't hear any gunfire. -- Zoey
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I like this one a lot, shows insight into how the psyche works! -- Ig
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I'm not much into owning guns, but then, admittedly it has a lot to do with anyone owning one and not just police officers and Bubba targit-shootin' at empty Bud cans sittin' on top o' Larry Jimmy Billy's old Buick. I'm just scared of 'em, and I admit it. Not realistic to think we can keep these things out of the wrong hands no matter how much I talk about it, so I guess I'll just curl up with my Tropical Orchid body splash and pretend I didn't hear any gunfire. -- Zoey
