No sooner did the American Meat Institute get Congress to declare July as National Hot Dog Month than the Vegan Vigilantes weighed in with a list of health hazards associated with one of America’s favorite summertime snacks, the All American Coney Island Red Hot Sausage In A Bun.
Inspired by America’s premier wet blanket, Ralph Nader, who alleged that hot dogs are “more dangerous than cruise missiles,” the American Institute for Cancer Research, Consumer Union, the World Cancer Research Fund, the National Institutes of Health, and even those cranky troublemakers of the American Association of Retired Persons, piled on the poor humble hot dog like a gang of subway thugs on a handicapped tourist. They claim the hot dog is the packaged food industry's equivalent of Typhoid Mary whose flaws are covered by the pancake makeup of mustard and onions.
The American Meat Institute was quick to respond: “Hot dogs are part of a healthy, balanced diet,” AMI President J. Patrick Boyle said in a news release. “They come in a variety of nutrition and taste formulas and they are an excellent source of protein, vitamins and minerals.”
That drew cynical snickers from the bean sprout bliss ninnies. They added that hot dogs also include:
* Animal esophagi, ears, lips, intestines and snouts.
* Insect parts.
* Rodent hairs.
* Spinal fluid from cattle.
* Snips and snails and puppy dog tails.
* Jeffrey Dahmer's failed experiments.
* Sodium nitrite, sodium acid pyrophosphate and glucona delta lactones. In short: preservatives. They also add color to a product that would otherwise look as appetizing as a pair of high mileage sneakers.
Chemical free all beef kosher dogs are not exempt from the critical glare of the nutrition nannies either. They claim that even kosher wieners in an unopened package are just as dangerous as shrink wrapped pipe bombs ticking away in your refrigerator, as they may be sprouting listeriosis bacteria. Those little listers can cause fever, muscle aches, nausea, stiff neck, loss of balance and convulsions, heart disease, type-2 diabetes, and are especially hazardous to pregnant women. Other risks cited by the Weiner Greenies include colon-rectal, brain and pancreatic cancer, and someone somewhere is choking on a hot dog, often a kid.
So, what can we do about these squawking Chicken Littles and their dire warnings in The Liberal Media, other than hunt them down and stuff them into sheep intestine sausage casings? Well, you can chew your kids’ hot dogs for them to minimize the choking risk, but other than that, not much. Kids can be such little fussbudgets about anyone else chewing their food anyway, so just relax and enjoy the dog days of summer.
Bon appétit.
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Comments & Indictments:
I think the real question should be: since hot dogs taste so good, why can't they make a healthy one?
No, no, I'm not advocating for a tofutti dog <shudder>! I mean a REAL hot dog using healthy meat that doesn't come from snouts, lips, and spinal fluid? I can live with bugs; bugs aren't going to kill us. Preservatives aren't necessary, and nitrates, except for those naturally occurring in celery salt, are no longer used even in some of the better Oscar Meyer brands (look for the package that says so). Hot dog producers have made some changes in the right direction, but only because the health foodies have been pushing hard and American consumers are looking for healthier alternatives.
Out here, we have something called a Sonoran Dog. a bbqed, bacon-wrapped (yeee eees), grilled onions, pinto beans, fresh chopped tomatoes, mayo (yeeee eeeesss, don't knock it until you've tried it), mustard, and jalapeno sauce. (I know, I know, I thought the same thing about the mayo, but it works.)
Colon rectal cancer? Uh. Exactly which ingredients cause that? Red meat? Nobody said you have to eat hot dogs morning, noon, and night. -- Tab
According to the American Cancer Society, a diet high in red meat, which includes the poor maligned hot dog, is one cause. So are smoking, alcohol, lack of exercise, obesity, race or ethnic background (especially African Americans and Ashkenazi Jews), and the presence of Type 2 diabetes. So, if you are an overweight diabetic black Talmudic scholar whose idea of exercise is uncorking a bottle of Mogen David while puffing away on a cigar, you might see an oncologist or proctologist about a checkup. If you live in Jamaica, proctologists are listed in the Yellow Pages under Pokemon.
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I wonder if the "bean sprout ninnies" know that insect parts are organic? -- Kerry
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I enjoyed the essay. I am trying to cut down on red meat but still eat hamburgers and steaks once in a while. -- Ken
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That was excellent, Mike. :) I always enjoy pointedly eating my char-barbequed, carcinogenic, cheese-jalapeno-sausage-stuffed hot dog in front of the pasty, unhealthy-looking tofu hot dog eating set. And my husband is THE sweetest man ever, but boy does he dislike the granola types. -- Sandy
Nice going. Anyway, tofu and granola are not among the four basic food groups: caffeine, nicotine, hot dogs and Cheetos.
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Clever the way you manage to hammer both sides -- Galen
A pox on both their houses, I say. Jerry Brown's first governorship nudged me toward right, then I worked for a pro-business Babbit mag that sent me scuttling back toward the bean sprout for lunch bunch on the left. So now I'm hemmed in among the radical centrists.
Thanks for reading my rants.
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Amy and I had a hot dog at Sonic as part of a 150 mile round trip, then read your mail after we got back. Too funny. -- Nick
Sonic is the only restaurant chain I know of with Buddy Holly's "Peggy Sue" on the jukebox. Reason enough to go there. Good eats, too.
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Loved it, as always!! -- Juli
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Thanks for putting a smile on my face on a down day. I lost a close friend who passed away Friday night, an intelligent, compassionate, progressive friend I’d known since kindergarten. We would have coffee or just hang at his place about once a week these last few years.
My friend was an oil and gas broker who put deals together for investors and drillers, yet even here in the heart of Oklahoma, with its radical right, ultra-religious society, he was an outspoken liberal thinker on all issues. He never shied away from any conversation, debate, or challenge to his ideas.
I wish you two could have met, but then that's the case for so many of us in the Internet age, is it not? -- Stan
It is, and thank you. I am sorry for your loss.
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Fortunately I am not one of those Green Liberal Vegan Ninnies of non food. There is nothing like a good hot dog, especially at a baseball game. However, please don’t put me in the category of those Game naysayers. I feel certain most of these people must sit around all day wondering if beet greens have any worth at all and if there is any real value to cooked celery. -- Peggy
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Thanks so much for putting me on the list. I am going to enjoy this much -- Tammy
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I intend to keep eating hot dogs. I like to live on the edge. -- Lady W
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As it happens, I just awoke from a very important nap. Only to find out that when I'm down and out, and on the street, I really shouldn't beg for a hot dog. Well, bollocks! -- Beaty
Oh, go ahead. Bollocks are among the ingredients. I just forgot to name them.
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I don't care if hot dogs have bug parts and hamster hair. I only know that when I go to the store to get groceries, filling my cart with fresh broccoli and organic grape tomatoes, fake sugar pears in a can and low-salt soy for my free-range chicken, I stop at the hot dog display with glassy eyes. There they are. Those. The ones with the store-brand label, full of beef tails and pig ears and fat particles from god knows what. I buy those. They really taste good.
And if anyone tries to tell me they are bad for me, I strike them down like a thief kid hovering over my collector Gumby. -- Zoey
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I never considered hot dogs as edible human food. I tried a New York one, once, at a street stall. It looked as if it had long ago died of hydrocution. Soggy meat, swollen belly, no matter how much mustard and cabbage the guy added to it, it still tasted like shit. And in the end I believed it was shit! Anyway...it had been boiling for so long that all the germs were dead. -- Mssr. Gerard.
Zut alors!
