Sunday is my birthday, two years shy of my allotted three-score-and-ten. So, in case you’re thinking of giving me a present, I’m registered with Quik-Stop, 7-11 and K-Mart. Not only that, but already Publishers Clearinghouse assures me that I may already be winner! Imagine!
I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long, considering my diet. I mean, until recently my Four Basic Food Groups consisted of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine and Cheetos. I’ve eliminated alcohol with the encouragement of a superior court judge and some professional scolds in the health care field. The latter want to publish my chest x-rays in the pulmonary trade press as a find-the-funeral-wreath puzzle embedded in a picture.
I’ve also substituted Ruffles potato chips for Cheetos. Ruffles don’t get that sticky orange stuff on my fingers and whatever else I touch, like some kind of junk food Midas. As for coffee, I now cut the caffeinated stuff in half with decaffeinated, which is tantamount to a pot smoker adding oregano to his or her stash, but I sleep a little better. Still, I will not give up coffee entirely until my bean grinder is removed from the my cold dead hands by a mortician with a buzz saw.
As for the nicotine, well, I don’t want to get too pure all of a sudden. That way lies a future of annoying zealotry and maybe even street corner evangelism after I’ve exasperated my friends into shunning me because of my smoke free smugness.
Come to think of it, most of my friends don’t smoke at all, the sissies. In fact, tobacco smokers have become latter day lepers. I’m surprised the obnoxiously health obsessed do-gooding meddlers of the anti-tobacco lobby haven’t bullied lawmakers into mandating that surviving smokers wear black shrouds in public and clang handbells while shouting “Unclean! Unclean!”
Thank goodness the tobacco lobby has more clout with our esteemed legislators than the grim Naderites and fresh air fiends who banish smokers out-of-doors in the nastiest of weather, perhaps hoping that a bolt of righteous lightning will incinerate us into ashtray-sized cinders.
Anwyay, after age sixty birthdays become unwelcome reminders of “Time’s wingéd chariot hurrying near,” as Andrew Marvell wrote in the Seventeenth Century when he was trying to get in the knickers of his coy mistress, hoping he would do so before he croaked from old age. But Marvell did not die from old age, unless 57 was considered old at the time. If frustration didn't get him, maybe tobacco did. No word on what became of the coy mistress. Perhaps she went to her final reward with her knees clamped firmly together in prim determination. Bet she was a non-smoker too.
Two people my age I know have birthdays within five days of mine. There was a third, but she died from lung cancer at age 35 (“Remembering Edie,” T-Times, March 4, 2012). Lung cancer nailed three other friends in the past few years as well.
Maybe I should learn to take hints?
Naaah.
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Any Comments, Critiques or Anonymous Hate Mail?
Happy Birthday and all that. Not wanting to call attention to your aging and all, but just wanted to say that I'm glad you've survived another trip around the sun. Hope you had a good day! -- RJ
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I would send you my heart if it would fit in a prepaid box with stamps included, and someone took care of the bill. Happy birthday DEAR MAN, and terrific writer that you are! That was hilarious. Keep sending these Tomatoman Times things to us. -- Amanda
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I sent a donation in your name to the American Lung Association, in honor of your B-day. Happy Birthday to you Mike. -- Holly
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Unfortunately (4 u; 4 me? fortunately!) I can't think of one. Still, u enjoy -- Leon
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Mike, you are your OWN gift...I hope you recognize that. I love how you show the authentic you in your writing...that's what makes it so attractive. May you live long on the vine, get some rest in the compost and then come back again as a lovely little yellow flower! Forever. -- Love from Diane and RJ
With my karma, I’ll probably come back as a skunk cabbage. -- MB
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Your turn, Mike! Happy birthday and many happy returns! Be wholesome, be happy, keep on writing, dearest fellow Aries.. -- Galen
Galen is my senior by one day. -- MB
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Happy birthday. I will be 70 in October. I share you enjoyment in writing. -- Ken
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Happy birthday, Mike, from a fellow Aries! -- Ann C
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Interesting, I was told that we came from cabbage patches. Now I find out that the Easter Bunny delivered you (in a pretty, woven basket, no doubt). I have no discretionary income at this time which would enable me to send you a birthday gift; however, I expect to shortly receive notice from a bank VP in Burkina Vaso that I have many millions in US dollars left to me by my fifth cousin twice removed who died in a spectacular plane crash several years ago. I shall be happy to forward you a few dollars at that time. -- HM
That’s okay. I’m sure Publishers Clearninghouse will come through. Several Nigerian bankers have also e-mailed me with attractive offers, but thanks anyway -- MB
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From Abby McLoughlin, age 6: [re: Abby And Her Locks Of Love, T-Times, March 30]
Dear Mr. Mike,
My mommy says your birthday is tomorrow. Mine is April the 10th So Happy Birthday to you! I had a birthday party at gymnastics yesterday. It was fun and I had an alligator cake! Mommy says that your lungs are sick and it is very hard for you to breathe okay. Please don't smoke cigarettes anymore. They will make you more sicker. If you try really, really hard to stop I will save a cupcake for you and we can eat it at lunch at Panda-era's. 4, 2, 1 (this is our secret code meaning: Forever 2 hearts, 1 love).
Love,
Abby or Abigail whatever you like to call me.
Dear Abby or Abigail (your name, your choice),
That is the nicest birthday greeting I have ever received. Your offer of a cupcake in exchange for my quitting smoking is more than a fair trade. As far as I know cupcakes are healthier than cigarettes and taste better, too. I'm not sure about an alligator cake, though.
421,
Mike
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Now, who could refuse an offer like that? You should try, really, really
hard to quit. After all, a cupcake is at stake, along with a lunch at Panda-ears. -- Shannon
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Happy Day! Mine's on the 16th...you buy yourself something for $10 and I'll do the same and we'll celebrate "together" ... very funny post, BTW -- Cyn
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And I just send you a carton of cigarettes! Damn. I didn't think you'd stopped. Well, Happy Birthday from one of the last smokers in the world. -- Beaty
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Wow, I don't know anybody as old as you <WEG>. Have a happy birthday. You point out all the foibles of the over-culture and yet you live on....just goes to show they don't know everything! -- Mary Pat
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I remembered in late March and said: do NOT forget to sent greetings. Then I forgot. Happy Birthday, yungin' -- and so far 68 is OK back here. -- Tim
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Ordinarily I'd say you really would rather I didn't...even before reading the post...burt since it's you, I figure you're game for anything, and that just creates a challenge for me, so no. But happy birthday! ...but I did have Cheetos for lunch. That's celebratory, right? -- Shag
Certainly! -- MB
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I have realms of free advice. Just pick a subject. I am 62 -- Doc
Thanks, Junior. -- MB
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Good job Mike: Which 7-11? -- Lowell & Diane
Whichever one accepts promissary notes. -- MB
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Damn those wingéd chariots anyway! -- Sum
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Happy Birthday Mike!! -- Soy
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Wonderful and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! !!! -- Julisari
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Happy Birthday, you ol' grouch! Hope you have a great day! -- Shan
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Happy Birthday! -- Kan
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Sure. I'll send you a present if you send me some money first. Funny article. Happy Birthday/Easter! -- Anneg
That was present a-plenty, thank you. -- MB
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No! You never sent me anything for my birthday a few weeks ago! So there!!! BTW, Happy Birthday -- BP
I didn’t you know it was your birthday! Good heavens! I’ll forward my Publishers Clearinghouse packet right away! -- MB
