Now I know better, I really do, so I had no ready excuse when the Oh Shit lights of the California Highway Patrol lit up my rear view mirror. I was not wearing an over-the-shoulder seat belt. In fact, I wasn’t wearing any seat belt at all when I made a left turn around a Highway Patrol car waiting at a traffic light. Less than a minute later I was stopped on a side street, hands on the steering wheel and driver’s side window rolled down when Buford Pusser approached my car.
“Something wrong with your seat belt?” he asked in a concerned, motherly way.
Oh no, not at all, why do you ask? I didn’t say. I just shook my head.
“License, registration and proof of insurance, please.”
Highway Patrol cops are always courteous. Even the late Hunter S. Thompson said so. “No matter what they do to you, they’re polite about it,” he wrote in Hell’s Angels - A Strange And Terrible Saga.
That is, they are polite as long as you pass what’s known as The Attitude Test. Indignant protests of innocence and threats to “have your badge” will not get you a passing grade. Neither will whining, groveling and offers to show your tits, even if you have tits worth showing, which I don’t. Best to just keep quiet and mentally wear beige.
It also helps to look at the situation from the cop’s point of view. He or she may have just come from the scene of a horrific accident with eyeballs, teeth and swatches of bloody hair among the twisted metal all over the pavement. This particular cop did not look like a rookie, so he’d probably seen a lot of such accident scenes in the course of his career -- and would probably see more.
Besides, the California taxpayers are keeping him in doughnuts to do exactly what he was doing, which was writing me a ticket for breaking California’s mandatory seat belt law. It even has a catchy slogan prominently displayed on freeway billboards: Click It Or Ticket.
The cop took my license, registration and insurance card back to his car so he could radio the dispatcher and find out if I was a wanted felon or maybe a misdemeanor wiseass with a history of unpaid traffic tickets. Nope.
He returned, noting that I had a commercial license with a passenger endorsement. “What do you drive?”
Limousines, I said, silently telling myself the chances of future employment in that career field had just been reduced to zero. Limo companies and their insurers take a dim view of traffic tickets among the ranks.
“Well, this won’t add any points to your record, “ he said.
Swell, but limo companies are not so tolerant. But that’s okay. I haven’t had a limo gig in months and do not anticipate looking for one. I’ll probably donate my tuxedo drags to Goodwill and find something else to so. Anyway, most limousine work is at night and my night vision is fading fast.
I was not alone in being a seatbelt scofflaw. No less than Governor Jerry Brown was stopped and ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt some years back when he was between political jobs. “California is the nanny state,” he grumbled at the time.
The cop showed me where to sign the ticket, gave me my copy, and that was that. He closed his ticket book and I was very grateful for one thing:
He did not say “Have a nice day.”
Comments?
Mike...I was just at the store today when I realized that I was deliberately NOT wearing a seatbelt, and it was PROBABLY because I looked gorgeous today, and had we been stopped, I would have had someone to talk to. So sorry your experience was not deliberate, and that you had to get the damned fine...is it REALLY so bad that you won't be able to drive limos anymore...uh..is it okay for you to RIDE in em without seatbelts? Your favorite scofflaw and fan -- Amanda
I quit driving limos months ago when I realized how badly my night vision had deteriorated, and I don’t really miss that vocation, and yes, stretch limos are equipped with seat belts for passengers, but in my experience, they are seldom used. I also drove vans dedicated to carrying airline crews. Surprisingly, airline crews never fasten their seat belts in crew vans during runs to and from the airport, even though that short road trip is statistically the most dangerous part of their working day. Only one time in 10 years did a crew fasten their seat belts in my van, and only then at my request. It was after a near miss on the way to the airport on a day that turned out very eventful indeed: 9/11/2001. -- MB
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Sorry about your ticket, Toots. I'm so damn short that my seat belt cuts me right across the carotid...I HATE the stupid thing, but my grand kids absolutely panic if I "forget" to use it. -- Cyn
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Well bummer...but a good article none the less. -- Mary Pat
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I had done Palm-Desert to Scottsdale in about 4 hours, while I had been told it would take a bit more than five. So I had decided the return trip wouldn't last more than 3 and a half. And I was just in my schedule when...
It was night, and in my small hired Japanese car, I was doing 110 behind a huge American thing that was speeding like crazy. When a car with more lights than a Xmas tree got between me and him, I thought the poor sucker had been caught. Then I noticed the other Xmas tree flashing its lights behind me. I didn't know what the appropriate attitude is in these circumstances.
In France (where I hardly ever get arrested), I get out of the car and talk to the cops, eyes in the eyes. Equal to equal. So, I lifted my hands high, showing they were empty, then slowly got out of the car.
"Get back to your car, or you'll be dead in 30 seconds!".a metallic voice said.
Minutes later, asked if he had really intended to shoot me, he laughed and explained my life expectancy was less than a minute on the side of an American motorway. He kindly offered to minimize my speed to "close to 90", to spare me major problems and a visit to court.
I produced all sorts of papers with different addresses. A 1969 driving licence with the address of the time; an ID with a 1982 address, and even a Floridia driving license with a 1992 address.
He sighed..."Were are we supposed to mail the ticket?"
I told him to decide by himself, and added that French postmen would be smart enough to deliver it no matter the address.
And guess what? They did! -- Gerard
So much for the rumors about French inefficiency. -- Zur alors! -- MB
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Loved it Mr. Mike. Take care guy! -- Kate
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Ah Geeeezzzzz..... do they have senior discounts on these? -- Lynda
No. The fine for a first offense in California is $142 regardless of age, race, creed or national origin. It’s a truly equal opportunity fine. -- MB
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OOOPS -- Karen S.
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Ahhh loved it. Juli
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I have received in my driving career three tickets - one for going 32 in a 25, one for going 52 in a 35, and one for not having insurance - stopped for a light out and found only an expired insurance card, later proved I had current insurance and the ticket was torn up. I have been stopped twice besides that, both for speeding. Once he just told me he would verbally warn me, and to lighten my foot on the accelerator. The other time the officer walked up to my car, noticed the Arabic tattoo on my wrist and asked me what it meant. I said "It means 'Guardian angel that watches over a woman'". He said..."Hm. I guess one is watching over you today. Just slow down." Nicely written article as always, and enjoyed by me, always. -- Zoey
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Here in New Hampshire they actually allow adults over 18 think for themselves regarding seat belts. Of course we were never exposed to the drift from Hiroshima and Nagasaki and have retained the ability to think for ourselves, something I have always suspected Californians lost along the way. -- Ig Bear
Envy is a terrible thing. -- MB
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