Let
us be clear that if this election is stolen from Hillary by
last-minute machinations, you Republicans are in deep trouble. We
lefties are not patsies who you can play footsie with. Vengeance
shall be wreaked.
We
are taking names and we know where you live. If Hillary loses, your
hairdresser Heather (a Democrat) is going to cut your hair with
pinking shears and color it mauve and trim your eyebrows to look like
Bette Davis. She will massage your shoulders and press hard on a
certain nerve that makes your voice squeaky and trembly.
You
drop by your favorite cafe and Hazel, a Democrat, will bring you
coffee with cream though you never take cream but absent-mindedly you
drink it and you wind up staying home for 48 hours, driving the
porcelain bus.
Hillary
has got this election in the can and if you and your KGB pals attempt
dirty tricks like give Democrats pens with invisible ink to mark
their Xes or jam the voting lever with wads of bubble gum or put our
ballots in the fake box full of composting worms or use X-ray
binoculars to see through our clothing and spot the ACLU cards in our
pockets and hand us the trick ballot that goes blank when exposed to
kryptonite, you will pay for this big time. Do not think otherwise.
Schoolteachers,
health care workers: all Democrats. No more special help for your
kids having trouble with algebra so give up any thought of college --
they are headed for jobs in the hospitality industry, washing dishes,
scrubbing toilets. Your urine test at the doctor's will reveal a
previously unknown strain of flesh-eating bacteria and you will wind
up in long-term care, tended by -- you guessed it -- a woman named
Carmelita who will not take you to the toilet unless you ask her in
Spanish. ("Necesito el toilet, por favor.")
Did
you know that 95 percent of all psychiatrists are progressive
Democrats? If Hillary loses, you will be declared mentally incapable
and put under the guardianship of your lesbian daughter who hasn't
spoken to you in three years. She will bring her German shepherd
Namaste who stares at you relentlessly and snarls if you pick up a
telephone. Good luck with that.
As
you know, we in the media are totally Democratic and when your
wedding story appears in the paper, don't be surprised if the bride
has a mustache and the groom's eyes are off-kilter. Your name will be
misspelled and instead of "is employed as a data imaging
specialist at NorCom," it will be "is currently doing time
for wire fraud in a federal facility in Oklahoma." Send us your
birth announcement and we will rename it Hillary and put "Stronger
Together" on the onesie.
Your
wife is a Democrat so I'd advise you not to eat home-cooked meals for
maybe five or 10 years. And as for your little blue pills, your wife
knows about identical little blue pills that will make a man suddenly
interested in fabrics and interior decor.
I
hope it does not come to this. Ours is a great country and we say let
the candidate with the most votes win, but if you carpet-chewers want
to play a different game, bring it on. Microsoft and Apple have come
up with a powerful whammer-jammer that, should it come to this, God
forbid, will shut down the ignition of every RV and pickup truck in
America and make the radio play NPR at high volume and instead of the
latest CD by your beloved Anthrax Fruit Bats or Demented Loners you
will be listening to Ira Glass talk about hipster millennials and the
cultural phenomenon of plaid shirts and there is absolutely nothing
you can do about it.
-oOo-
