The following is a likely transcript from of the House Committee On Equal Rights in the not-so-distant future. The issues under discussion are two political hot potatoes: One would give men the right to vote. The other is even more radical. It would allow men to sit anywhere they want on public transportation and not restrict them to the back of the bus. The committee chairwomyn is Rep. Shulamith Franklin Fonda (Republicrat - Womynnesota).
Chairwomyn: The chair
recognizes our esteemed sister, Congresswomyn
Gloria Peterbilt, who has a martyr’s burden of representing that wishy
washy, fence-straddling, knee jerking, testosterone polluted state of
Calipornia. I suppose you’re going to
play devil’s advocate?
Rep. Peterbilt: Well, the
voting rights thingy is a non-issue in my house. The male unit will vote the way I tell him to
vote, and anyway, the only things he reads are recipes, horoscopes and fashion
tips. Anything else, especially
something as complicated as a ballot measure, is just beyond the little
dear. But isn’t it about time we allowed
male units unrestricted seating on public
transportation?
Chairwomyn: What for? So they can plunk their brutish bodies down
anywhere they want on the bus? Don’t be
absurd. Just because you don’t
care who violates your sacred space, think of how your mother would feel, or
your daughter, for Goddess’s sake, if some hairy lout reeking of Aqua
Velva presumed to be
so…so….uppity…as to actually sit next to her innocent
flowering Sheness! The mind
reels!
Rep. Peterbilt: Yes, I can
see where that might be troublesome for some unenlightened souls, but a properly
trained male unit would never presume to sit just anywhere on a bus if the back
wasn’t already overflowing with nattering
giggling male units.
Chairwomyn (sighing): I
know, I know. They get really annoying in a group. That’s why I stopped my male unit from having
Schtupperwear and clingerie parties at
our house. All those chubby male bodies
stuffed into Speedos like cheese blintzes, cooing over plastic food containers.
Worse, they whine about their personal circumstances. How we don’t understand
them. How don’t care about their
needs. How we expect them to have sex at
what they consider inopportune times, like at a funeral or on a windswept beach
in the rain. Hell, a little wet sand up
their buns may have a cleansing effect, so what’s the problem?
Rep Peterbilt: Excuse me,
Madam Chairwomyn, but we were discussing voting rights and public
transportation. There are political and social reasons why we should allow male
units voting rights and equal seating under the
law.
Chairwomyn: Oh for
Minerva’s sake, what are they?
Rep. Peterbilt: As for the
voter franchise, the political reason is voter apathy with absentee ballots
mailed prior to primary elections. Many
indifferent womyn just turn the ballot over to the male unit like a Sudoko card
and allow him to mark it up with a Crayola.
I mean, they are already voting anyway.
Why not register them in the hope that they may create a landslide
mandate when directed by their womyn?
Two votes for the price of one.
And maybe they’ll feel responsible enough to stop marking ballots with
crayons.
Chairwomyn: I know. Makes our ballot box stuffers all waxy. Still, we’re working on some attack ads
showing the effects of male units being allowed even a sub rosa voice
in the outcome of national elections.
Unrestricted seating on buses is just for openers. Soon they’ll protest
being required to sit in theater balconies.
Who knows? They may even insist
on having their brainless entertainment legally broadcast on national
television. Imagine having a nice
weekend ruined with games of baseballs or footballs blaring out of your TV. Anyway, what’s the social reason for
giving male units the vote?
Rep. Peterbilt: A
declining birthrate among the desirable
demographics
.
Chairwomyn: You mean
eligible voters not on public assistance. Go on.
Rep. Peterbilt: My staff
is seeing an alarming trend. An
increasing number of my constituents write that their male units get sulky
during womyn’s estrus cycles and refuse to sleep with them. Instead of getting in bed, their male units
curl up in tight little balls on couches, like armadillos, and cry all night
about not being treated as equals. That
includes open seating on buses and being able to
vote.
Chairwomyn: Well, have
your constituents tried distracting their male units away from substantive
issues with chocolates and new shoes?
Rep. Peterbilt: Many
reported doing both. Didn’t work. They
think chocolates make their butts look big.
That made them whinier than ever.
As for new shoes, have you tried shopping for shoes with your
male unit? They can never make up their
minds. They try on everything in the
store on before settling on a pair of pumps they could’ve picked up at a factory
outlet for half the price.
Chairwomyn: Okay, so how
will giving male units equal seating on the bus, not to mention the vote, arrest
the decline of the retail shoe market and benefit
womynkind?
Rep. Peterbilt: It would
be the first step, so to speak, in giving them full citizenship under the
law.
Chairwomyn: What the hell
for? Look, if we give them an inch,
they’ll take a mile. Everyone knows that
all male units are good for is spending money and being decorative. Other than that, the little dears are just
plain useless. They can’t even take out
the trash or kill a spider in the bathtub.
One other thing, if you care to hear about a really alarming
consequence of giving male units the vote
.
Rep. Peterbilt: And what
would that be?
Chairwomyn: Male units in
Congress, that’s what! How does
that grab you?
Rep. Peterbilt: Oh
nonsense. That would never happen. Never
.
Chairwomyn: Oh? And why, by all that’s holy in the name of
Athena, not?
Rep. Peterbilt: Well, even
equality has it limits.
Chairwomyn: Don’t count on
it!. They may even try to put a male
unit in the White House! Imagine
that!
Rep. Peterbilt: Oh please,
Madame Chairwomyn, I mean really!
Surely, even in the great state of Womynnesota, you’ve heard the word
“ninny”?
Chairwomyn: I have.
Usually applied to misguided Calipornians.
I say we table this issue and let it die in the Rules Committee, along
with that lunatic balanced budget and arms reduction bill. Let’s move on. What’s the next agenda item?
-o0o-
