A communique from the Vatican about canonizing Eustace The Vague as the Patron Saint of Procrastinators was faxed to the monks of his order at their mobile home monastery near Bakersfield, California, last week. Brother Jonas delivered the message to the abbot. “Disturbing news, Your Abbotness,” said Brother Jonas, waving a Xerox copy with the papal seal. “Our venerable founder may become an honest-to-gosh saint much sooner than we expected. Maybe in the next 50 years."
“Oh?" said the abbot, alarmed. “Isn’t this a bit hasty? It’s only been 375 years since we applied to the Holy See. I mean, the curia pondered the case of Joan of Arc for 479 years before recommending sainthood, and she was martyred at the stake. The Venerable Eustace just choked on a chicken bone. I just don’t understand young clerics these days. Everything is rush, rush, rush with these 70-year-old kids we’ve got in Rome.”
Brother Jonas nodded grimly. “I know, I know. But there could be a bright side to this discouraging news."
“Such as?"
“Well, maybe we can use this storm of approval to raise some cash. Then we can unload these leaky, smelly and drafty FEMA trailers and build us an honest-to-gosh monastery out of precast faux adobe. The things they're doing with plastics these days are simply amazing."
The abbot drummed his fingers on his desk. “Aren’t our current fundraising activities sufficient?”
“Frankly, Your Abbotship, they aren’t. The market seems to have dried up for our True Cross Roofing (“A Splinter In Every Shingle”) operation."
“How about the taffy deal? I thought ambushing folks at supermarket entrances would be fine way to scoop up some guilt money."
“Another bust. The Girl Scout cookie cabal killed our Sea Of Galilee Salt Water Taffy direct marketing campaign. Some meddlesome Girl Scout moms blabbed to The Liberal Media that the Sea of Galilee is a actually a freshwater lake. No salt water, let alone taffy. Then Ralph Nader yapped to Congress about truth in advertising and that tore it for us. Our monks and were booted off the premises of every supermarket from the redwood forest to the New York island."
“Well, shoot,” said the abbot. “It’s out of our hands anyway. I suppose the curia is pondering the case of the Beatus Eustace as we speak.”
“Therein may lie our salvation,” said Brother Jonas.
"Speak English."
"Pondering means they haven’t done any damage yet. Maybe we should get around to sending an emissary to Rome. He can remind the Holy Father that is was Eustace the Vague who tried to get the Last Supper scheduled for a Casual Friday instead of a Monday. It was Eustace who told Pilate to wash his hands of the whole deal, and it was Eustace in the Garden of Gesthemane who counseled Jesus to go fishing with Peter instead of keeping his appointment in Samarra."
“Samarra?"
“Figure of speech. Look, we still have some time with this deal. Why not just shelve this for now and maybe put it on next month’s agenda before going public. Maybe tomorrow I’ll start looking for a candidate to send to Rome.”
“Why don’t you go?” asked the abbot.
“I’ll think about it.”
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Comments:
Thanks Mike! I almost was ready to go weed the garden, but now I can be content just thinking about it.... maybe later...?
Kent
Good thinking! MB
Well, I figgered you just got outta the joint or something. I was gonna send you an email to see if you were still alive, but then I met Beatus Eustace in my garden while I was pondering whether or not to pull weeds, and then we had the first of many conversations on the inherent philosphical properties of procrastination. -- Canids
"The weeds will always be with us." -- Matthew 32:9 MB
Dammit, Mike, you done outdone me again. I'm wiping TEARS here... HTF do you come UP with this stuff? -- Sum
I have too much time on my hands. MB
I told you everyone was waiting for you to post something. Thank gosh you finally did. Loved it. -- Beaty
Your blog is great, Mike! thanks for sharing it with me! -- Amanda
That was funny! Thank you for tickling my funny bone. -- Mary Pat
Loved it. -- Ldy W
Aw hell. I thought we were rid of your blather. Guess not. -- ZipLePrune
Thanks, Mike! -- Stan
Thanks for sending the Tomatoman Times article. I always enjoy reading what you send. And I hope you are well, and smiling. -- Zoey
Thank you Mike, I enjoy reading your stuff and missed the times.. Take care! -- Kate
YAY! Glad it has returned and another great one -- Juli
Aw shucks, people. MB
